When the whisper goes against where you want it to go?
You accept it and you go where it goes,
and you pray it won't be long before you see.
So I was finishing my day.
I had wanted to go to the gym. I had wanted to return some calls.
I had wanted to take an evening to myself.
All this dying to self was...killing me.
Then I remembered.
I remembered the thing I had agreed to do.
Ironically it was for my pastor, or rather it was with my pastor.
I was to contribute to an article regarding my experiencing God during a particular season of our church. It was a season when we were to attempt to connect with God once every waking hour and see what He does in our lives when we choose to live with Him moment by moment.
I was to write with him, John that is,
and share my experience of how I saw God at work in my life.
By the way, I was late in getting this to him. If I didn't do it this night it would be at least another week and the whole thing was due in two weeks.
I know God was directing me to take tonight to do this. Why not after all, it was only my third day of dying to myself, surely I can sacrifice one more day. Besides...there was that whisper...
...and you go where it goes...
So I went.
I went home.
I sacrificed my desires of workouts and phone calls and went home to my couch.
There I sat and there I prayed. It was a simple prayer. I invited Him into my time to write. I wasn't sure what I was to write. Frankly it seemed like me and John weren't on the same page. I wasn't sure my experience as I remembered it was what he was looking for.
I thought about that.
What was my experience?
I paused a moment to retrace my steps.
How did I get here?
How did an atheist of 18 years get to the point where he is friends with his pastor and now is co-authoring an article with him?
How in this world does this happen?
I sat and I thought.
I sat and I remembered...
Things said by her.
God at work there.
The church was amazing.
Was this really church?
I didn't remember it being like this.
The people.
The music.
The feeling.
There was something real here.
John said some claimed we set the bar too low, that's why people like it.
I did like it.
It moved me.
I was broken.
I wanted something.
Then the song.
I swear I listened to that song over and over for 6 months, must have been.
Tell myself on the ride home
Getting tired, hating all I've known
Holding on, like it's all I have
Count me out when it's clear that I, find it hard to say...
...I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me
Wanted to be anything different, everything you would change in me.
Those words from one of the first services rang so true.
The DWI miracle.
My change of heart.
Still wounded though.
The struggles.
The gifts.
Getting more involved.
...and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes back so it will bear even more...
Growing.
Changing.
My list of fruit on stage in front of a few thousand.
My friends.
Awesome.
It was simply awesome.
I couldn't have done it myself.
Things, things I say, but rather behaviors that weren't good just disappeared.
Blessings.
More blessing than I could ever imagine.
Peace, oh the peace. This was priceless.
I DID come to know peace and joy as a way of life.
Simply amazing considering where I had come from.
Words.
Lists.
Lyrics.
They all poured out of me.
"their" words echoing...
Had we set the bar too low?
Thank God we set a lower bar for entry into this walk!
For those far from God, like my former self, would never in their right mind, accept an invitation from the high bar.
Who would want that?
God will only view our high bar as judgement and hypocritical judgement at best.
Let's leave the high bar for God to set once He's transformed our hearts to be able to handle the high bar. But for now let's definitely lower that bar down to simply this,
"If you are not happy, if you are not fulfilled in life, if you long for more then try this."
Period.
That's it. Just an invitation, with no rules, no judgement, no worrying, can I close the deal with this one? Let's just offer everyone a chance to try God out and simply see if He does what He says He will do. If we can't offer that invitation, then God help us!
For only He can bring about true change. Only He can direct our steps. Only He can save us! And He already has!
The thoughts kept coming.
I kept writing.
I kept remembering.
Then I stopped.
I looked down to a notebook with pages filled of notes, lists, words, memories. It was a collage of words. Sure the composition was a bit sloppy but all these thoughts creatively wove their way around in my head. I was looking at diagram of of these thoughts. It felt good. It felt like what I was looking for. I felt like I had just done something...something creative.
Then I looked up at the clock. Only 30 minutes had passed.
I realized that here in the midst of dying to myself, in the midst of fighting writer's block with my book. When I thought I was to give up writing my story, I realized that I just did that.
This happened after putting God first.
Sure I already knew that. But here I was feeling it once again. And here I was beginning to get a sense of the fulfillment I was looking for. Satisfaction began to settle in. Here it was, my story showing up in creative ways... not in MY book as I desperately hoped for, but in His article, in the thing He wanted John and me to write.
Remembered words echoed within me...
Stop. Stop asking God to bless what you're doing and get involved with what He's doing because it's already blessed.
Inspiring words from an inspiring man, Bono that is.
I got up to email my creative outburst to John and then another thought crossed my mind.
What about my blog?
I haven't touched that in over a year.
What about her blog, my friend Kari that is.
I had been meaning to check it out ever since she moved back to Africa.
Hmmmm...blogs.
Opening the browser to see her page was... inviting.
The simplicity.
The power.
The images drew you in.
I found myself perusing deeper.
Following links.
Clicking on words.
on pictures.
Peace.
Beauty.
Isolation.
Desolation.
Liberation.
Peace.
Beauty.
It was all there and it was all powerful.
Something began to move inside me. It sounds weird I know, but something was moving. I was beginning to feel creatively fulfilled just by looking at her blog. Just by reading her words, just by looking through her eyes at her old world that once again newly surrounded her.
She was home.
Then some more words...
You are a soul and you have a body.
more remembered words whispered...
...individuality is the husk of the personal life...but individuality must go in order that the personal life may come out and be brought into fellowship with God...individuality counterfeits personality as lust counterfeits love.
individuality is the husk...
...unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies...
...are a soul and you have a body.
Three different authors but one common thought. Three ideas in one. The words already connected themselves within me. And it was the connection that was doing it. I was feeling. The connection was moving inside me.
I can do this.
The body.
The seed.
Me.
The husk.
Dying.
Moving.
Again.
3 Days.
Connecting.
Growing.
Beginning
to
fulfill.
But I'm not even doing anything.
Perusing.
Connecting.
Connecting.
Connecting.
Then I saw it. Her photo. Her choice of title.
wow...
My thoughts stopped.
I stared.
"...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies..."
That's what I've been afraid of here. I've been afraid of leaving... here.
Staring.
Her expression.
Isolation.
Desolation.
Restoration.
Contemplation.
Her eyes.
Without thinking I began typing in the comment field...
...if only you could have seen what I've seen with your eyes...
And that was it.
One line.
That's all.
That's all I typed.
That was all I needed to type, one line, and it was...perfect.
It was God.
It was only one line and it was complete and total fulfillment.
The perfect commentary.
The perfect summary.
The perfect reality.
One line.
One realization.
One haunting look.
One connection.
One moment
All moments
One more time...
Three days dying to self and now risen.
One word...
Hallelujah.
1 comment:
Beautiful, as always. I love your comment--if she could see what you saw with her eyes. In that case, you meant beauty, but how much better the world would be if we could more often see through someone else's eyes. Both what they see and what we see through that lens--the good, the bad, and the ugly. :) I do think we would be more compassionate and gentle with one another.
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