...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Haunting words as she described them, my sister that is.
But they were the perfect words. They finally captured what is was she was trying to say.
...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...
haunting, yet inviting words, as she used them, my friend Kari that is.
Well the words were inviting, but her look was...haunting.
Both of these lines of words touched me last week...haunted me last week.
Other words touched me too.
I guess touched might not be that accurate.
RIPPED
PIERCED
SHOVED
MOCKED
CONQUERED
and ultimately...
suffocated.
What did those painful words look like?
...for whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.
These words never bothered me before. I guess they always applied to the bad stuff. Sure, lose the bad to find the good. That makes sense. That I can live with. Of course it's hard from time to time, but losing the bad for the good, that I can live with.
What happens when the calling seems to be, "lose the good stuff too."?
What happens when the calling is combined with the thought, "Aren't I enough"?
A week ago these thoughts, these callings, pierced and ripped and shoved and mocked and conquered my spirit.
My soul was suffocating, my hopes were suffocating. I was afraid. I was angry. I was...dying.
...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...
But what if I don't want that life?
What if I want this life?
Why did YOU show me this other stuff?
Why did YOU re-awaken my creative spirit just to give me the calling to let it go?
I don't want to let it go.
I don't.
...whoever wants to save their life...
Over the past few months, God had re-awakened my creativity. He had placed a renewed desire on my heart to be creative which was exciting considering I hadn't felt creative in a long time. This might seem odd for the owner of an architectural design firm, but it's true. Nothing I had done lately constituted what I consider to be truly artistic or creative. I really want to just go do something that's mine. I need to struggle with this. I need to force it. I just want to
...uggggh... to do something.
So when do you feel closest to God?
Her question caught me off guard, my friend Angela that is.
I hesitated.
I guess it's when He shows me something, an outcome, a solution, an answer that is completely different than what I thought but it's perfect. It's different than what it was "supposed" to be but it is perfect.
It's beautiful...
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
[to be continued]
