My art was...dying.
Yet the course seemed to be set. Sure the choice was mine, but what do you do when past experience tells you He's always right. What do you do with that experience now, when the message now seems to be clarifying itself, yet the message appears to be going against your desires...good desires...God-given desires...God re-awakened desires?
What do you do?
it goes like this
the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing Hallelujah
You pray.
Baffled.
Falling.
Lifting your convictions up to God you pray for guidance.
Despite the seemingly inevitable decision to go against your own will, you press on with the subtle hint that this just might be what's best. You know it is, you just don't want it to be.
Why?
You just don't see it...yet
...if only you could have seen what I've seen with your eyes...
You continue to live out this momentary verse, reflecting on recent thoughts that struck a chord.
maybe I need to look at the why's again...
is it not time to write...
is it not time to create...
what about that quote...
it's a good one, right...
it's me right...
that's why it stuck when I heard it, right...
...I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me creative, and when I create I feel His pleasure...
slightly rewritten words from Eric Liddel,
the Chariots of Fire rendition, that is.
is my affinity for this quote more about me than God's pleasure...
is it more about the...but?
yeah...but...this is about me
Why do you say mine? ... she said, my friend Becky that is.
A provoking question after sharing my desire,
my need to create something of my own.
As I reflected on my answer to her question, remembering my need to quit waiting, my need to quit asking permission, my need to voice myself, my need to just do something, a new question...into my train of thought it spoke.
How can I give up this part of me? It truly is part of me, like my own flesh and blood.
silence.
then a whisper...Abraham.
So what do you do when you know the whisper is true?
When the whisper goes against where you want it to go?
You accept it and you go where it goes and you pray it won't be long before you see.
Please don't let it be long before I see.
That night with too much to do, with the weight of this decision still upon me, with frustration coloring all of my spirit, with helping others being the last thing on my mind, with wanting to just go home, with, with, with...I faked acceptance and went.
Sitting amidst the volunteers and homeless folks I heard it again...
...very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies it produces many seeds. Those who love their life will lose it, while those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life...
ok
OK
I GET IT!
Frustrated, crying out inside, I felt something new settle in, as I thought to myself on this second day of my dying, something new... You see I hadn't been to this Tuesday night worship in over five weeks. And this, this was the message spoken tonight...
Something new, indeed, had settled inside me...acceptance.
... the baffled king composing Hallelujah
[...it won't be long now...]
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