...a new life awaits you... | epilogue II

...it's been a long time since I've been here perhaps too long and I'm finding myself in a strange place tonight, but I think it fits in with the continuation of this epilogue so I will write...

My day was long, my Sundays have been lately, don't get me wrong I love my Sundays. They are filled with God and God's people. It's a beautiful community He's blessed me with, but I also find myself tired after 12 hours of activity on these Sundays. So tonight I came home to do, well, nothing. At least that's what I thought...

but something is stirring inside me...

I want more. 

I'm tired but somehow I want more.

more of what you might be asking.

more life actually.

it's not so much that my life is lacking, 

no that's definitely not the case,

my day was full but as I laid down to rest a bit I found I wasn't ready.

something inside me wanted more

something inside me wanted rest

yet something else inside me wanted to keep going

there was a tension there that made me remember 

made me remember this story I've been telling here 

so what was it that was so fascinating about Blade Runner and my 3 day story.

actually 

everything.

You see Blade Runner was at one time the quintessential post modern film concerning the notions of simulacra and simulation by Jean Baudrillard and others.

?????

what does that mean you ask?

basically that's an over-intellectualized way of saying this was a great flick about what's real and what's not and perhaps asks the question is there a difference?

but beyond that (and I didn't care to notice this so much back when I first saw Blade Runner as I was an atheist then) there are so many allusions to God and creation and the struggles of man that it was really quite timely that my friend's blog just happened to have this cation to her haunting image.

...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...

So I should back up to give a little background of the movie before diving into this explanation any further. The basic premise is this; the movie takes place in the future and there is a corporation that has developed very human-like androids to be slave labor in the dangerous mining in the off-world colonies. These androids called "replicants" were so human-like that no one could tell if they were replicants without subjecting them to a test. "More human than human" was the motto of the company who created them. These replicants were created with super-human abilities to be more productive these abilities also made them potentially dangerous so the company created a fail safe means of controlling them - they programmed them with only a 4 year life span. So what happens is a group of replicants nearing the end of their fourth year mutinied against the people they worked for killing them all and then came back to earth to find their maker and demand more life... starting to sound familiar?

So here I am tonight, in a moment when I'm "too tired" to do anymore 

and yet I can't rest I want more...

I want more life.

I want more of this amazing life God blesses me with.

I want to share more that might help others see Him.

...if only you could see what I've seen with your eyes...

This was my response to my friend's blog photo and caption.

The caption was the line: "a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies" an advertisement played in the movie to attract people to the off-world colonies the replicants were building.

...if only you could see what I've seen with your eyes...

This was my response to the haunting look on her face.

This was another quote that one of the replicants told to the eye-maker in the company.

I wasn't sure what she was feeling in that haunting look, but she was definitely....

feeling.

Some part of me felt she was uncertain 

some part of me felt she was maybe feeling hesitation, maybe some fear, maybe she couldn't see what an amazing thing she was doing, what an amazing thing she was doing for God.

I was seeing something in her in that photo.

How often is it that we can't see...

that we can't see what God is doing in our lives.

I can't help but think these are often the very words of God whispering to us in times of struggle, in times we can no longer see where we're going.

...if only you could see what I've seen with your eyes...

You see God already knows what lies ahead. 

He has already seen what we will see.

He made our plans long before He made our eyes...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

if only we could see what He's already seen with our eyes...

I couldn't see it either back when this story was happening to me, which is what made my Hallelujah also "a cold and broken Hallelujah" [more on Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah to follow Blade Runner] 

I apologize for the length of this explanation but there's so many layers here to share.

[to be continued - with an amazing twist to another quote from the film: 

"I want more life father"]

...a new life awaits you... | epilogue

[note - if you are reading this for the first time please scroll down to December 15, 2008 for the first post of this story - there are 5 parts + the epilogue]

I wanted to take some time to share more about the preceding story. 

The version you've read is layered throughout with many streams of thought and different sources which all "coincidentally" intersected each other over a 3 day period in my walk with God, a challenging and trying, but ultimately glorious 3 Days at that.

So what literally happened:

Day One: Monday

I was asked to restructure my schedule.

This new schedule wouldn't leave adequate time for writing my book or persuing some other recent artistic opportunities.

"Good vs. Best" was used to guide us in our decision making.

I was angry. I was frustrated.

I didn't sleep well that night.

Day Two: Tuesday

I woke up late.

I was still frustrated.

Because I didn't have time for a full morning prayer time with God I grabbed a devotional to substitute - it was quick.

The passage for that day, December 9th, was all about "Good vs Best" - literally.

I hadn't picked up this devotional in over three months.

That night I chose, against my desires to go home and chill out, to attend my regular homeless dinner and worship service.

The pastor spoke all about "dying to self", "surrender", and of "Good vs Best" - literally.

I hadn't been to this worship evening in over 6 weeks.

I was clearly "getting it" at this point, but I still didn't want to follow.

I didn't want to give up my art.

Day Three: Wednesday

I read the devotional again, two days this time.

Again it spoke about sacrifice and surrender as necessary to truly live, to truly be fulfilled in who God created us to be.

That night I remembered a previous commitment to write - although strangely I didn't want to write that night. I didn't feel it. I wasn't in the mood. I was still frustrated by the decision I was beginning to see as inevitably going to happen against my will.

For some reason though I chose to go home and pray and write.

I was amazed and surprisingly fulfilled as words and ideas poured out of me.

After writing I discovered my friend's blog. As I looked at it, simply looked at it, not doing anything of my own creation, I began to feel creatively fulfilled as well.

The night ended with me writing one line as a comment to one of her blog photos. One line that wasn't even mine. One line that for so many reasons, to be discussed below, was completely and absolutely creatively fulfilling for me.

I went to bed knowing that I could join the group that I didn't think I had time for because I knew God would still creatively fulfill me, if I put Him first.

Hallelujah!

Speaking of Hallelujah, there are several other trains of thought running through the five posts telling this story:

"coincidence"

Scripture verses

"Hallelujah" lyrics

"Blade Runner" movie dialog

All of these have amazingly "coincidental" and strong contextual significance to the story I've just shared about my 3 Days. 

They have a significance in that they illuminate just how much God is with us and communicates to us if we are just willing to open our eyes and see our circumstances, our surroundings, our lives, and ultimately ourselves through His eyes.

...if only you could see what I've seen with your eyes...[Blade Runner] 

coincidence...?

[check back for more explanation to come]

...a new life awaits you... (part V)

So what do you do when you know the whisper is true? 

When the whisper goes against where you want it to go?

You accept it and you go where it goes, 

and you pray it won't be long before you see.

So I was finishing my day. 

I had wanted to go to the gym. I had wanted to return some calls.

I had wanted to take an evening to myself. 

All this dying to self was...killing me. 

Then I remembered.

I remembered the thing I had agreed to do. 

Ironically it was for my pastor, or rather it was with my pastor. 

I was to contribute to an article regarding my experiencing God during a particular season of our church. It was a season when we were to attempt to connect with God once every waking hour and see what He does in our lives when we choose to live with Him moment by moment. 

I was to write with him, John that is,

and share my experience of how I saw God at work in my life.

 

By the way, I was late in getting this to him. If I didn't do it this night it would be at least another week and the whole thing was due in two weeks.

I know God was directing me to take tonight to do this. Why not after all, it was only my third day of dying to myself, surely I can sacrifice one more day. Besides...there was that whisper...

...and you go where it goes...

So I went.

I went home.

I sacrificed my desires of workouts and phone calls and went home to my couch. 

There I sat and there I prayed. It was a simple prayer. I invited Him into my time to write. I wasn't sure what I was to write. Frankly it seemed like me and John weren't on the same page. I wasn't sure my experience as I remembered it was what he was looking for.

I thought about that.

 

What was my experience?

I paused a moment to retrace my steps. 

How did I get here?

How did an atheist of 18 years get to the point where he is friends with his pastor and now is co-authoring an article with him? 

How in this world does this happen?

I sat and I thought.

I sat and I remembered...

Things said by her.

God at work there.

The church was amazing. 

Was this really church?

I didn't remember it being like this.

The people.

The music.

The feeling. 

There was something real here.

John said some claimed we set the bar too low, that's why people like it.

I did like it.

It moved me.

I was broken. 

I wanted something.

Then the song.

I swear I listened to that song over and over for 6 months, must have been.

Tell myself on the ride home

Getting tired, hating all I've known

Holding on, like it's all I have

Count me out when it's clear that I, find it hard to say...

...I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me

Wanted to be anything different, everything you would change in me.

Those words from one of the first services rang so true.

The DWI miracle.

My change of heart.

Still wounded though.

The struggles.

The gifts.

Getting more involved.

...and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes back so it will bear even more...

Growing.

Changing.

My list of fruit on stage in front of a few thousand.

My friends.

Awesome.

It was simply awesome.

I couldn't have done it myself.

Things, things I say, but rather behaviors that weren't good just disappeared.

Blessings. 

More blessing than I could ever imagine.

Peace, oh the peace. This was priceless.

I DID come to know peace and joy as a way of life. 

Simply amazing considering where I had come from.

Words.

Lists.

Lyrics.

They all poured out of me.

"their" words echoing...

Had we set the bar too low?

Thank God we set a lower bar for entry into this walk! 

For those far from God, like my former self, would never in their right mind, accept an invitation from the high bar. 

Who would want that? 

God will only view our high bar as judgement and hypocritical judgement at best.

Let's leave the high bar for God to set once He's transformed our hearts to be able to handle the high bar. But for now let's definitely lower that bar down to simply this, 

"If you are not happy, if you are not fulfilled in life, if you long for more then try this." 

Period.

That's it. Just an invitation, with no rules, no judgement, no worrying, can I close the deal with this one? Let's just offer everyone a chance to try God out and simply see if He does what He says He will do. If we can't offer that invitation, then God help us! 

For only He can bring about true change. Only He can direct our steps. Only He can save us! And He already has!  

The thoughts kept coming.

I kept writing.

I kept remembering.

Then I stopped.

I looked down to a notebook with pages filled of notes, lists, words, memories. It was a collage of words. Sure the composition was a bit sloppy but all these thoughts creatively wove their way around in my head. I was looking at diagram of of these thoughts. It felt good. It felt like what I was looking for. I felt like I had just done something...something creative. 

Then I looked up at the clock. Only 30 minutes had passed.

I realized that here in the midst of dying to myself, in the midst of fighting writer's block with my book. When I thought I was to give up writing my story, I realized that I just did that.

This happened after putting God first.

Sure I already knew that. But here I was feeling it once again. And here I was beginning to get a sense of the fulfillment I was looking for. Satisfaction began to settle in. Here it was, my story showing up in creative ways... not in MY book as I desperately hoped for, but in His article, in the thing He wanted John and me to write.

Remembered words echoed within me...

Stop. Stop asking God to bless what you're doing and get involved with what He's doing because it's already blessed.

Inspiring words from an inspiring man, Bono that is.

I got up to email my creative outburst to John and then another thought crossed my mind.

What about my blog?

I haven't touched that in over a year.

What about her blog, my friend Kari that is.

I had been meaning to check it out ever since she moved back to Africa.

Hmmmm...blogs.

Opening the browser to see her page was... inviting.

The simplicity.

The power.

The images drew you in.

I found myself perusing deeper.

Following links.

Clicking on words.

on pictures.

Peace.

Beauty.

Isolation.

Desolation.

Liberation.

Peace.

Beauty.

It was all there and it was all powerful.

Something began to move inside me. It sounds weird I know, but something was moving.  I was beginning to feel creatively fulfilled just by looking at her blog. Just by reading her words, just by looking through her eyes at her old world that once again newly surrounded her.

She was home.

Then some more words...

You are a soul and you have a body.

more remembered words whispered...

...individuality is the husk of the personal life...but individuality must go in order that the personal life may come out and be brought into fellowship with God...individuality counterfeits personality as lust counterfeits love.

individuality is the husk...

...unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies...

...are a soul and you have a body.

Three different authors but one common thought. Three ideas in one. The words already connected themselves within me. And it was the connection that was doing it. I was feeling. The connection was moving inside me.

I can do this.

The body.

The seed.

Me.

The husk.

Dying.

Moving.

Again.

3 Days.

Connecting.

Growing.

Beginning

to

fulfill.

But I'm not even doing anything. 

Perusing.

Connecting.

Connecting.

Connecting.

Then I saw it. Her photo. Her choice of title.

wow...

My thoughts stopped.

I stared.

"...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies..."

That's what I've been afraid of here. I've been afraid of leaving... here.

Staring.

Her expression.

Isolation.

Desolation.

Restoration.

Contemplation.

Her eyes.

Without thinking I began typing in the comment field...

...if only you could have seen what I've seen with your eyes...

And that was it.

One line.

That's all. 

That's all I typed.

That was all I needed to type, one line, and it was...perfect.

It was God.

It was only one line and it was complete and total fulfillment. 

The perfect commentary.

The perfect summary.

The perfect reality.

One line.

One realization.

One haunting look.

One connection.

One moment

All moments

One more time...

Three days dying to self and now risen.

One word...

Hallelujah.

...a new life awaits you... (part IV)

My art was...dying.

Yet the course seemed to be set. Sure the choice was mine, but what do you do when past experience tells you He's always right. What do you do with that experience now, when the message now seems to be clarifying itself, yet the message appears to be going against your desires...good desires...God-given desires...God re-awakened desires?

What do you do?

it goes like this

the fourth, the fifth

the minor fall and the major lift

the baffled king composing Hallelujah

You pray.

Baffled.

Falling.

Lifting your convictions up to God you pray for guidance.

Despite the seemingly inevitable decision to go against your own will, you press on with the subtle hint that this just might be what's best. You know it is, you just don't want it to be.

Why?

You just don't see it...yet

...if only you could have seen what I've seen with your eyes...

You continue to live out this momentary verse, reflecting on recent thoughts that struck a chord.

maybe I need to look at the why's again...

is it not time to write...

is it not time to create...

what about that quote...

it's a good one, right...

it's me right...

that's why it stuck when I heard it, right...

...I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me creative, and when I create I feel His pleasure...

slightly rewritten words from Eric Liddel, 

the Chariots of Fire rendition, that is.

is my affinity for this quote more about me than God's pleasure...

is it more about the...but?

yeah...but...this is about me

Why do you say mine? ... she said, my friend Becky that is.

A provoking question after sharing my desire, 

my need to create something of my own.

As I reflected on my answer to her question, remembering my need to quit waiting, my need to quit asking permission, my need to voice myself, my need to just do something, a new question...into my train of thought it spoke.

How can I give up this part of me? It truly is part of me, like my own flesh and blood.

silence.

then a whisper...Abraham.

So what do you do when you know the whisper is true? 

When the whisper goes against where you want it to go?

You accept it and you go where it goes and you pray it won't be long before you see. 

Please don't let it be long before I see.

That night with too much to do, with the weight of this decision still upon me, with frustration coloring all of my spirit, with helping others being the last thing on my mind, with wanting to just go home, with, with, with...I faked acceptance and went.

Sitting amidst the volunteers and homeless folks I heard it again...

...very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies it produces many seeds. Those who love their life will lose it, while those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life...

ok

OK

I GET IT!

Frustrated, crying out inside, I felt something new settle in, as I thought to myself on this second day of my dying, something new... You see I hadn't been to this Tuesday night worship in over five weeks. And this, this was the message spoken tonight...

Something new, indeed, had settled inside me...acceptance.

... the baffled king composing Hallelujah

[...it won't be long now...]

...a new life awaits you... (part III)

...well your faith was strong but you needed proof...

Revealing words he said, me that is.

I guess because I came from a place of disbelief, 

the tendency to prove...fits

Is my relationship only about proof?

...good versus best...

The words still echoed from him, TJ that is.

It was the morning after.

The night before... well... it was the beginning of the end,

so I thought.

A decision had to be made.

A decision about where to spend my time.

huh, "my time"... we'll get back to that one.

A decision was looming and...well, things seemed to be,

that the book had to go.

Things seemed to be telling me my taking Fridays off from work 

to write is not working - can't work.

Now there's really too much to do.

You have things I want you to do.

You have OTHER things you are obliged to do.

Maybe it's not time.

maybe,

it's,

NOT,

time.

Heavy words sinking my heart.

Deep echoes as I realized I overslept.

As far as time went now, late, I had none.

So in haste I grab the devotional. 

A quick read masquerading as quiet time with God this morning.

Flipping...

page,

page,

page,

today's page.

...it's not a question of giving up sin, but of giving up my right to myself...

Startling words as he expounded, the writer that is.

Actually quite unsettling words.

Then I read the next words.

These words stopped me.

...very few of us debate with the sordid and evil and wrong, 

but we do debate with the good.

It is the good that hates the best...

no way.

...it is the good that hates the best.

The words echoed.

...good versus best...

I guess echoed might not be that accurate.

RIPPED

PIERCED

SHOVED

MOCKED

CONQUERED

and ultimately

suffocated.

You see I hadn't picked up that devotional in over three months and this, this was the message for this morning. This message of Good versus Best staring me down once again.

I read on.

...beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own independence.

As I sat there I couldn't even ask the "why's" anymore.

The "why's" about re-awakening my creative desires.

It was becoming quite clear.

It wasn't time to create.

It looked like it was time to set that aside and join this group.

My art was...dying.

...it's not somebody who's seen the light

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...

Haunting words as she described them, my sister that is.

But they were perfect.

...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...

haunting, yet inviting words, as she used them, my friend Kari that is.

Little did I know they would invite other inviting words by Him, that I would say, 

me that is.

... if only you could see what I've seen with your eyes...

[to be continued]

...a new life awaits you... (part II)

And even though

It all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

so just what was it that went so wrong you might be asking...

...good versus best...

he had said that before, my friend TJ that is.

And before I found myself in a similar position...too much to do. 

I'm not sure I have time to study with you.

I'm not sure I have time to walk with you.

Good versus best he said again. 

It's not the bad things that are the enemy of best, it's the good things. It's the things we can't say no to. It's the things we feel obliged to do for others, for God, for ourselves? In the end we do nothing best because we only have time to do good or God forbid...bad.

I prayed and reflected and prayed more and I eventually said yes. I decided to walk with my friend TJ and 6 other men in a 12 week study to learn more about myself. I suppose this was when God started to re-awaken my creative desires. This was awhile ago, a couple years have passed but TJ's words echoed again recently...good versus best.

I must tell you the first time I said yes after hearing those words I wasn't convinced it would be best and to be honest I can't really remember why I did say yes. But what transpired couldn't have been scripted any better. 

By the way, I've said it many times but God never ceases to amaze me.

Shortly after my return to faith I knew I would one day be baptized again, but I didn't know when. I always wanted it to be meaningful. I wanted to feel it, I didn't just want to be "dunked". The day had come when my church was baptizing again... 

I was ready, but was I?

Was I in a position to really feel it?

How could I make this eventful?

How could I...

All the wrong questions even though I didn't know it.

...whoever wants to save their life...

So I prayed for a long time that morning.

God please make this experience memorable for me.

Please let me feel it, I mean really feel it.

I'm so thankful for all that you did to take me back, for all that you did to redeem my life, but I'm worried. I'm worried that this will just be a ritual.

It won't mean anything deep down inside.

It will pale in comparison to the love and peace and joy and "coincidental" miracles you seem to surround me with.

Please God, let me feel this one!

Later at church I was surrounded by all my friends.

Many were getting baptized too.

It felt good.

It felt like love.

But most importantly I was beginning to realize that...it felt.

Yes, I was...feeling it.

It was surrounding me and

it was warming me from the inside.

HEY!

huh?

BROTHA!

Looking up TJ's familiar grin is calling out to me from the pool.

I smiled back.

He's calling me out from way back in line.

He's singling me out of all these people.

He's choosing me.

I didn't know TJ was going to be there.

I didn't know TJ baptized people.

I almost didn't know TJ.

...good versus best...

he said those words again a couple Mondays ago, my friend TJ that is.

While I remember completely feeling my baptism. While I remember completely all the encouraging, loving, personal words spoken to me through TJ. While I remember TJ was a man I would have never known, a man who would never have known me enough to "personalize" my baptism, had I not said yes to his first - good verses best, I now found myself thinking...

no.

I don't have time for your group.

I don't have time to walk with you on this one.

...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...

I told you I'm not sure I want that life?

I told you I want this life.

Why did YOU show me this other stuff?

Why did YOU show me all this other stuff that's not part of this group?

YOU know I don't have time for all this.

Why do I feel obliged to decide against myself?

Why do I feel obliged to go against my heart?

What kind of an obligation is that?

Why can't I be who I want to be?

I thought  that's what YOU were showing me all this time.

Why?

Just tell me why?

...whoever loses their life for me will find it.

[to be continued]

...a new life awaits you...

...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Haunting words as she described them, my sister that is. 

But they were the perfect words. They finally captured what is was she was trying to say.

...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...

haunting, yet inviting words, as she used them, my friend Kari that is.

Well the words were inviting, but her look was...haunting.

Both of these lines of words touched me last week...haunted me last week.

Other words touched me too.

I guess touched might not be that accurate.

RIPPED

PIERCED

SHOVED

MOCKED

CONQUERED

and ultimately...

suffocated.

What did those painful words look like?

...for whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

These words never bothered me before. I guess they always applied to the bad stuff. Sure, lose the bad to find the good. That makes sense. That I can live with. Of course it's hard from time to time, but losing the bad for the good, that I can live with.

What happens when the calling seems to be, "lose the good stuff too."?

What happens when the calling is combined with the thought, "Aren't I enough"?

A week ago these thoughts, these callings, pierced and ripped and shoved and mocked and conquered my spirit.

My soul was suffocating, my hopes were suffocating. I was afraid. I was angry. I was...dying.

...a new life awaits you in the off-world colonies...

But what if I don't want that life?

What if I want this life?

Why did YOU show me this other stuff? 

Why did YOU re-awaken my creative spirit just to give me the calling to let it go?

I don't want to let it go.

I don't.

...whoever wants to save their life...

Over the past few months, God had re-awakened my creativity. He had placed a renewed desire on my heart to be creative which was exciting considering I hadn't felt creative in a long time. This might seem odd for the owner of an architectural design firm, but it's true. Nothing I had done lately constituted what I consider to be truly artistic or creative. I really want to just go do something that's mine. I need to struggle with this. I need to force it. I just want to

...uggggh... to do something.

So when do you feel closest to God?

Her question caught me off guard, my friend Angela that is.

I hesitated.

I guess it's when He shows me something, an outcome, a solution, an answer that is completely different than what I thought but it's perfect. It's different than what it was "supposed" to be but it is perfect. 

It's beautiful...

And even though

It all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

[to be continued]